i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
