he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she peed on how many people?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
