We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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