Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
