Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
