Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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