I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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