i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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