Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
