meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
