she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
