i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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