I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
