So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
