Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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