these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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