I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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