I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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