Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
