You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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