Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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