Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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