My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
