never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Iād clean the kitchen before making food. Mark ārang in the New Yearā with some rando in there last night
Randomize
