Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you still have your period?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
