every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
