Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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