I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
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She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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