I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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