i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
