Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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