This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
