You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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