found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had sex on a roof
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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