Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
