She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
