well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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