if i can run in heels then i can drive
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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