my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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