i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
