I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
