I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
