Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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