just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
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I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW