You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
