i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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