you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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