My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
