she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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