So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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