It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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