I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
