Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
