It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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