There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
