Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
